Maritime Incident off Iranian Coast
CONVERSATION RECORDED ON THE MARITIME EMERGENCY FREQUENCY CHANNEL 106, OFF THE COAST OF IRAN…RECENTLY. (night, visibility 10 meters)
Iranians: (noise in background) …This is A-853, please change your direction fifteen degrees south to avoid collision… you’re coming directly at us, distance 25 nautical miles.
Americans: (noise in bckground) … We recommend that you change your direction fifteen degrees north to avoid collision.
Iranians: Negative, change your direction fifteen degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: (a different voice) This is the Captain of a ship of the United Status navy speaking. We insist that you change your direction fifteen degree north to avoid collision.
Iranians: We do not consider that feasible or convenient. We suggest that you change your direction fifteen degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: (very pissed off) THIS IS CAPTIAN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, U.S. NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP OF THE AMERICAN FLEET. WE ARE ESCORTED BY WITH TWO BATTLESHIPS, SIX DESTROYERS, FIVE CRUISERS, FOUR SUBMARINES AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. WE ARE HEADING TO THE GULF OF PERSIA FOR MILITARY MANOUVERS. I DO NOT SUGGEST… I ORDER YOU TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE FIFTEEN DEGREE NORTH! IF NOT WE WILL BE OBLIGED TO TAKE THE NECESSARY MEASURES TO GUARANTEE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP AND OF THE COALITION FORCES. PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND GET OUT OF OUR WAY!
Iranians: (very calmly) This BakhtiAr Basim speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, our food, two beers and a canary who is asleep. We are supported by Teheran radio and channel 106 for maritime emergencies. We are not headed anywhere because we are speaking from dry land. We are in lighthouse A-583 on the coast of Iran. We don’t have the least fucking idea of what our ranking is in Iranian lighthouses. You can take whatever measures you think necessary to insure the safety of your shit-bucket of a boat which is going to be a wreck of nuts and bolts in about 30 minutes. We therefore insist again and suggest that the best, safest and most rational measure is to change your direction fifteen degrees south in order to avoid colliding with us.
Americans: (pause) Roger and out. Thanks.